First: Don't judge me. These are just the movies that were most important to MY last 10 years.
Films that I returned to time and again.
Films that made me feel something.
A feat growing increasingly harder as mediocrity infects everything.
Second: I could have forgotten some great ones. My mind is not it once was- that said- if I forgot it, it couldn't have been that amazing to me. So there.
TOP 25
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. Unbreakable
3. Sunshine
4. The Royal Tenenbaums
5. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
6. The Fall
7. The Passion of the Christ
8. Signs
9. Panic Room
10. Memento
11. The Prestige
12. 28 Days Later
13. The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
14. Amelie
15. Batman Begins
16. Punch-Drunk Love
17. Moon
18. All the Real Girls
19. Son of Rambow
20. You Can Count On Me
21. The Incredibles
22. Jesus' Son
23. Billy the Kid
24. Jeepers Creepers
25. Collateral
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
1. The Man Who Wasn't There
2. Bronson
3. Requiem for a Dream
4. In the Bedroom
5. Bug
6. Good Night and Good Luck
7. Birth
8. Adaptation
9. Wonder Boys
10. Darkon
11. Once
12. Rocket Science
13. The Fellowship of the Rings
14. Pan's Labyrinth
15. Grizzly Man
16. The Aviator
17. The Host
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
JOE'S TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2009
Even though I always miss great music and wish that I could have included it on the list I will still give it the old college try. Here goes...
JOE'S TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2009
10. Florence and The Machine - Lungs
I first heard of this band while in an Urban Outfitters and had to remember as many of the lyrics in order to head home and google them to find out who it was. I think it's kinda tough to be in a female fronted band today and ignore the baggage that comes with the terf. In many people's eyes there are only 5 kinds of sounds that female fronted bands can have- Paramore, Tori Amos, Aimee Mann, L7 or Katie Perry. This band successfully does none of these and finds a sound that seems to suit them nicely and finds a balance that is both feminine and tough at the same time that really works for them. The singer's voice has a little bit of Grace Slick in it- which is shockingly a good thing.
Download this: Drumming Song
Then This: Cosmic Love
9. Jenny Owen Youngs - Transmitter Failure
Another female fronted band- I was a fan of Miss Youngs since I found her on Myspace a few years ago. For me, the magic in this record is the growth. For someone on their 2nd record, you gotta appreciate the many subtle styles she plays with with every song. I think with her last record it would have been easy to write her off as "just another sensitive chick with a guitar" if her songs weren't so dang good- but thankfully in this album she's put that rumor to rest for good.
Download this: Led to the Sea
Then This: Transmitter Failure
8. Regina Spektor - Far
Wow- three girls in a row! That's gotta be a record for best of lists for me.
Anyway- I'm sure that I don't need to explain why this record is on there. Everybody loves her. Why shouldn't they?
Download this: Eet
Then This: Machine
7. Sondre Lerche - Heartbeat Radio
My friend Ian once said about a Sondre Lerche song: "Finally a Sondre Lerche song that doesn't bore the crap out of me" - which I have to admit was something I had to agree with. It was that hesitency that lead the way upon listening to his newest record... and to my surprise, he made a full record that doesn't bore the crap out of me. Actually- I liked it a lot. Maybe it's me, maybe I've changed and his music is exactly the same but in any case- it's nice to see that even a band that I wrote off 5 years ago can write a record that can change my mind. Maybe an amazing Blue October record is on the way...
Nah.
Download this: If Only
Then This: Good Luck
6. The Dodos - Time To Die
Okay, I think that Fables is the best song of the year. It's certainly the song played most on my iTunes since the record came out. It's always nice when a band can surprise you with how much you like a record. I liked their last offering but this was a very pleasant surprise with how much I liked it. For me- with so much music that is out there now, you have to give me a good reason to really get into your band and The Dodos have an album full of them.
Download this: Fables
Then This: Troll Nacht
5. The Generationals - Con Law
I love old Motown and the music of the 50s and early 60s - so in that regard I a never get super stoked when a band tries to copy that sound without really doing it earnestly. When I heard "When they Fight, They Fight" I decided that these guys did it pretty good. They have a kind of "retro vibe" at first that eventually just turned to "good songs" after a few listens- which is actually what happens when you listen to many of those old Motowns songs anyway.
Download this: Exterior Street Date
Then This: Nobody Could Change Your Mind
4. The Mountain Goats - The Life of the World to Come
What can I say that all my friends haven't already said about The Mountain Goats. Bottom line: another great record from the amazing John Darnielle who explores his thoughts on the Bible with his deft lyrical ability. I admit to liking last year's Heretic Pride a little more - you can't go wrong with The Mountain Goats. I'm sure as long as they make records, I'll put them on my top 10 lists.
Download this: 1 John 4:16
Then This: Deuteronomy 2:10
3. Iron and Wine - Around the Well
It's pretty crazy that even this b-sides record is better than most bands a-sides. I worry with each record that I will get tired of Iron and Wine's sound. Any band with such a specific sound can get tiresome - hence the reason I did not include Passion Pit on this list - I can only take a few songs of the falsetto voice and then I need to take a break - but with Iron and Wine, Sam Beam simply refuses to write bad songs - and although his voice is unmistakably iconic to the sound, they never feel recycled (at least to me anyway).
Download this: The Trapeze Swinger
Then This: Peng! 33
2. Ida Maria - Fortress Round My Heart
Four girls! That has to be a record. Any way - I just have one question for this one: Where the hell did she come from? Catchy-Land? Is that why she has such a funny accent? Maybe. Her songs certainly prove she has at least a visa to stay there on a work furlough. I heard her stuff on a podcast I subscribe to and got the record as soon as I could. At the time I was working a really sucky job and getting to drive to and from work playing this record was the only good thing about it (well- that and the pay check I guess). I dare anyone to listen to this record and not get caught up in how much fun it is.
Download this: I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked
Then This: Queen of the World
1. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amedeus Phoenix
I like Phoenix a lot. Their records have been evolving pretty steadily but once they hit "It's Never Been Like That" I felt that they found perfection - so I was worried when this record came out that they had changed again - to my surprise they had just picked up where that record left off and made one equally as addictive and make you feel equally as cool when you listen to it. I always felt like a lot of the reason that some white suburban kids love hardcore gangsta rap is because of the bad ass that they feel like when they listen to it. The swagger it gives them. This record has that effect on me in that I can't help but feel like a good looking guy wearing sun glasses who always says something clever and never trips on a big crack in the sidewalk. Obviously I rarely feel that way- so obviously I love this record.
Download this: Lisztomania
Then This: 1901
Ah- just download the whole record! Trust me, you won't be sorry.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything to Nothing
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz!
Miniature Tigers - Tell it To The Volcano
St. Vincent - Actor
The Temper Trap - Conditions
Coconut Records - Davy
The Morning Benders - Grain of Salt EP
The Pains of Being Pure At Heart - S/T
Passion Pit - Manners
The Thermals - Now We Can See
Lucero - 1372 Overton Park
Pete Yorn - Back & Fourth
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest
Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane
Tegan and Sara - Sainthood (well- 5 songs off of it anyway).
So there it is! See you next year!!
Be good.
-j.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
ash wednesday
so here it is. ash wednesday. the beginning of lent. a time when we Christians are called to fast from something until Easter. i went to the 7:30 service this morning. it was nice. i've decided to give up eating meat. i don't eat a ton of meat but i eat enough that 40 days will prove a challenge. wish me luck.
websters defines ash wednesday as such:
"The seventh Wednesday before Easter; the first day of Lent for most Christians; the day after "Fat Tuesday," or Mardi Gras. It is frequently observed as a day of fasting and repentance for sin. In some churches, ashes are placed on the foreheads of worshipers on Ash Wednesday as a reminder of their mortality. The words of God to Adam in the Bible are often used in the ceremony: "Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."
Monday, February 4, 2008
self portraits with wallpaper (2/2/2008)
So I have to admit that I haven't really wanted to post anything new. I've kind of just felt like keeping to myself of late- bringing my continuing hermit-azation to it's next plateau.
So instead, I'm going to post some self portraits I took the other night. The "wallpaper" was purchased at Michael's craft store- and is really just 4 pieces of designer paper (for scrap booking) taped together. I think the little project came together nicely if I do say so myself.
You be the judge:
-Joe.
So instead, I'm going to post some self portraits I took the other night. The "wallpaper" was purchased at Michael's craft store- and is really just 4 pieces of designer paper (for scrap booking) taped together. I think the little project came together nicely if I do say so myself.
You be the judge:
-Joe.
Monday, December 31, 2007
THE YEAR THAT WAS
TOP 10 MOVIES:
1. Sunshine
2. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
3. Bug
4. Once
5. Control
6. There Will Be Blood
7. The Darjeeling Limited
8. The Savages
9. Hot Fuzz
10. Lars and the Real Girl
ALMOST THERE:
1. Zodiac
2. Year of the Dog
3. 28 Weeks Later
4. The Host
5. No Country For Old Men
MOVIES I HAVEN'T YET SEEN AND MIGHT CHANGE MY LIST:
1. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
2. Into the Wild
3. King of Kong
4. I'm Not There
5. Atonement
6. Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
WORST OF THE YEAR
1. Superbad
2. 300
3. Grindhouse
4. Spider-Man 3
5. Shoot 'Em Up
6. The Last Mimzy
7. Transformers
8. Disturbia
9. The Golden Compass
10. The Astronaut Farmer
BEST PERFORMANCES OF THE YEAR:
1. Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
2. Ryan Gosling – Lars and the Real Girl
3. Ashley Judd – Bug
4. Casey Affleck – The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
5. Sam Riley – Control
6. Molly Shannon – Year of the Dog
BIGGEST SURPRISE:
The Hottest State
BIGGEST CRUSHES:
1. Keri Russell
2. Zooey Deschanel
3. Rose Byrne
4. Hayley Williams
5. Tina Fey
BEST ALBUMS:
1. The Honorary Title – Scream and Light Up The Sky
2. Tegan and Sara – The Con
3. The Weakerthans - Reunion Tour
4. Dear and the Headlights – Small Steps, Heavy Hooves
5. Cloud Cult – The Meaning of 8
6. Iron & Wine - The Shepherd's Dog
7. Motion City Soundtrack – Even If It Kills Me
8. Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
9. Saves the Day – Under The Boards
10. Yellowcard – Paper Walls
BEST SOUNDTRACK
Once - Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová
SINGLES OF THE YEAR:
1. Umbrella – Rihanna
2. Young Folks – Peter Bjorn and John
3. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová
4. The Henrich Maneuver – Interpol
5. Let It Happen – Jimmy Eat World
6. The Con – Tegan and Sara
7. The Opposite of Hallelujah – Jens Lekman
8. Chemicals Collide – Cloud Cult
9. Hot in Herre – Jenny Owen Youngs
10. West Coast – Coconut Records
BIGHT FUTURE AWARD:
Manchester Orchestra
TV SHOWS:
1. Lost
2. Tell Me Your Love Me
3. I Am Baby Cakes (web series)
4. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
5. The Clark and Michael Show (web series.)
BRIGHTEST HOPE FOR TV
Futurama coming back.
FAVORITE MOMENTS OF THE YEAR:
1. My Landlord walking in on me and Chris watching The Wire in our pjs and looking gay.
2. The applause after Notes screened at the Landlocked film festival.
3. Eating Sushi with Ruby and Keir.
4. Andy and I inspiring each other outside the gym while drinking smoothies.
5. The day I got the call about the Dashboard contest.
6. "Ladies and Gentleman, I give you…THE QUEEN!""
7. Getting published in the "In Situ" book.
8. Watching Sunshine in the theater.
9. Tegan And Sara playing "Umbrella" at their show (and then meeting them afterward),
10. Finding my car at the Beverly Center after having lost it for hours.
PREDICTIONS FOR 2008:
1. Speed Racer will be a huge bomb.
2. Adrian Tomine will not put out a new issue of Optic Nerve.
3. 'Falling Slowly' will win the Oscar for best original song.
4. The Dark Knight will be amazing.
5. I will sell a screenplay.
The year that was. A lot of surprises for me this year. The new Paul Thomas Anderson film was NOT my favorite film- which is weird- but I noticed that as far as films, the films that actually made me FEEL something tangible won out over style or technique- but then, I suppose that the ability to control an audience is a technique in an of itself.
Other shockers such as both Motion City Soundtrack and Yellowcard being on my top albums list is bizarre, I know- but I have to be honest, both of those albums were in heavy rotation for quite a while. I blame their catchy infectiousness- and thus I stand by their inclusion- because really, what's the point of a list like this if you're just going to lie to look cool by including In Rainbows when you didn't actually like it as much?
I will say that lists are a little silly because obviously no one person can watch or listen to everything so how can you say what is imperically the BEST or WORST. But hey, these are just fun. Thankfully I don't have to give an Oscar out (or get one any time soon for that matter).
Anyway, that said, there it is. My list. Have at me you critical dogs. Bring it on!
(oh wait- that reminds me that I wanted to include "Bring it On - In It To Win It" Great. Now I have to make a bunch of changes! ...Crap! )
Be good. Happy New Year.
Friday, October 19, 2007
CALLING ALL COPS AND AUTOBOTS...
So yes, it is true that I have been avoiding the Transformers movie for a while.
I had a few reasons for this. For one I pretty much know it will suck. There is very little to debate with this. The other big reason is the fact that I do love Transformers. I was a fan of the show as a kid and still to this day love the original animated movie. I, like many people my age have quite a few fond memories of the mighty Autobots and the villainous Disepticons and I knew from the very first trailer that Michael Bay didn't give two craps about the show or its lineage. Whereas I and countless others would love to see a TRANSFORMERS movie, Michael Bay just wanted to make a GIANT ROBOTS ATTACKING EARTH movie (hence his lame t-shirt). But in my eyes, the two are not one in the same.
I stand by this sentiment as I hesitantly begin to watch the film.
Last night I torrented it (I couldn't bare the thought of actually paying to see celluloid disappointment).
I'm going to watch it now and keep this as a running commentary of my thoughts as i do so.
If the lameness of this film kills me- you will know what did it. You will know it was the sheer hackery of "Mr. Bay and His Ridiculous Robots" (as I will now refer to the film.)
Okay. here goes.
0. Not a good start. It's kinda hard to seem bad ass when the big Hasbro words come on screen- grungy metal font notwithstanding.
1. "Before time began there was the cube."
Is it lame that I am already annoyed at the film's lack of proper continuity? Maybe it's just the fact that it is actually Peter Cullen that is reading this little monologue- regardless, I'm annoyed. Yes I will give you that the complicated history of the show/comics is a little steep but seriously, taking the concept of energon cubes in this direction seems kinda stupid. What was wrong with "The Matrix" (not the movie)? I wish it would once again "Light Our Darkest Hour."
2. "ENGLISH MAN! SPEAK ENGLISH!"
Does anyone else find it strange that the random Spanish speaking guy was talking about eating alligators? Was he orginially supposed to be from the Bayou and in a hasty re-write they grazed over the fact that alligators are actually NOT a part of a balanced Mexican diet?
I also find it laughable how obvious the make-up is on these "war worn soldiers" - who apparently were smearing oil all over themselves in the hot Iraqi desert. Oil fights. The true horrors of war.
3. What is it with every Michael Bay movie and this music. Has anyone else noticed that the man has used the same score for his last 10 movies? I miss "You got the touch."
4. "You sure she didn't just fart?"
Classy. You know, as good of an actor as Josh Duhame is (ummm) even HE can't wipe the vague look of embarrassment off of his face as gives this line read.
5. "Have your crew step out or we will kill you."
Apparently as super advanced as the Disepticons are, they haven't mastered that pesky "fake pilot" glitch that is always such a dead giveaway.
I know I shouldn't be distracted by this but- I just wonder where they got the models to make the holograms for this cause this guy looks like that Dad on the show about the family with the father in the military? What that show called? I forget so I'll just call it "Captain Dad" ...yeah that sounds about right.
6. My first look at a Disepticon.
...disappointing
I sure hope all the other Transformers don't look so much like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.
You know when I was a kid I don't remember them looking so bug like... even the Insecticons- who were SUPPOSED to be bugs. This will make them have so little personality. I am pretty sure their faces all look this jumbled and crowded (two adjectives I didn't think I'd use when describing something based on an old 80s cartoon.)
7. "Okay, Mr. Witwicky- you're up."
And here we have our hero. Shia LaBeouf. Great. Why does he already seem like a bumbling character from a 1950s movie starring Jerry Lewis?
If it was that movie the teacher would fit right in. Gimmie a break. Did this nerd EVER exist? Sweater vest, 50s glasses, bow tie, balding AND nasally voice? "People! Responsibility." All he is missing is the white tape on the bridge of his eye wear.
The fact that Michael Bay can make a film have this much forced exposition so quickly is truly heroic.
What high school still has show and tell? Does no one find this strange?
I know that I shouldn't love the stock "evil blond football boyfriend" but I do. They are like a fine wine- which is ironic because I don't drink. NEVERTHELESS- They are a staple of any lame movie involving teens. They are the most unrealistic characters that are so overwritten and overacted. It's just funny to me how far bad movies will go to make you hate someone so quickly. Everyone of them is always so two dimensional that you worry that if they turned to a profile the cardboard cutout would blow over. They are always SO beefy and SO dumb and SO prejudice against our scrappy hero.
I'm not saying there are not bullies in real life, but are they ever so easily definable? It takes a person ONE line nowadays to make one into Johnny from Karate Kid. If I can do anything with my films, I hope to make the bullies seem even just slightly more human.
Anyway...
Why would Shia LaBeouf's character be talking about this stuff? His Grandfather? The Arctic Circle? I'm confused- lost in a haze of information that Michael Bay has told us we need to remember for the sake of the plot.
Did we really just have a random flashback to Shia's grandfather in the Arctic? Does Michael Bay have any clue what he's doing because already it feels like he's just making it up as he goes along. "AND THEN WE CUT TO A FLASHBACK OF AN OLD GUY WITH A FROSTY BEARD AND HE'S YELLING STUFF!"
8. "He wound up going blind and crazy in a psycho ward, drawing these symbols and babbling on about some uhh giant Ice Man that he thought he discovered."
Subtle LaBeouf Real subtle.
Gee- I wonder why he would divulge such personal family information to a class of kids who all think he's a joke? Do you think it will come up later? The musical sting sure makes me think so.
9. I'm so glad that they made a reference to "The 40 Year Old Virgin" - way to seem relevant to the kids Bay.
10. Did Bernie Mac just call that old woman a bitch? 'Seems a bit harsh. I'll go easy on him though as it appears that he is some type of war veteran (hence the shiny dog tags).
11. Okay okay okay, I really don't want to nit-pic too much but I'm confused as to how Bernie Mac could actually sell a car that just magically drove onto his lot. He didn't have the title for the car or any kind of proof that he ever owned the car in order to sell it. How did Shia LaBeouf take it off the lot?
12. Did Bumble Bee transform into his robot form, go into a highway gas station and buy the "Bee-Otch" air freshener or is that part of him that transforms too?
13. I find it amusing that even just the shot of Bernie Mac getting up was a good enough excuse for Michael Bay to use his heroic "rising and circling" shot. Way to waste your signature shot on one of "the original kings of comedy" Bay.
I wonder if the shrill noise that shattered all those windows also shattered Bernie Mac's ear drums? Am I mean because I wish that it had? How great would that be if there was a 10 minute deleted scene in which Bernie Mac's ears bleed and he flips out because his life is just not the way that he wanted it to be- "And now THIS happens! AGGGHHHH!!!!"
14. "NSA's recruiting right out of high school these days."
I love how much Hollywood has fallen in love with the idea of hip nerds and high school hackers. How many movies are gonna use this plot device? Can we please see an action film involving the government and computers that doesn't have one of these? Remember when Ryan Phillippe played one in that movie AntiTrust? Tim Robbins was in that. Excuse me, ACADEMY AWARD WINNER Tim Robbins.
I also love how no one else seems to notice how out of place the hot blond Australian hacker is. I'd like to spend a moment imagining her spending hours in her room, isolated from the world, becoming a world class hacker while all the other, more pretty blond Australian girls went to parties and got boyfriends.
Okay I'll say it: Jon Voight needs to be put to sleep. He's been crying for help since Anaconda.
15. Great. A peek inside Shia LaBeouf's room. This is always a treat. Let's pause it (17:28) . I love to look at the teenage hero's room because it tells us so much. Not only about the hero but also the filmmaker's lack of connection to a realistic kid's room. There are always randomly incongruent band posters- "Oh, he's the kid who likes both Nine Inch Nails AND Snoop Dogg?" and as I'm sure we'll see, an endless amount of expensive accouterments. Do you remember LaBeouf's room in Disterbia? It was about ten grand short of being Ritchie Rich's room. There were so many expensive and contemporary toys just lying around, placed ever so carefully as to look tossed about and disheveled. My gut tells me that this room will be no different.
Hmmm. There seems to be industrial shelves as though he lived in a "cool warehouse" of some kind. The ever present random computer stuff. He's got a giant fish bowl for some reason. I see what looks to be a foosball table. Wow- here's something I haven't seen since the last movie starring anyone under 25, on his wall is a DANGER: KEEP OUT sign. This has been a tradition since the Nickelodeon days. Somehow every set designer got the idea that kids all have stupid signs like this in there room.
16. You know, as lame as LaBeouf is in this film, I still don't buy that he's lame enough to have "LadiesMan217" be his screen name. Do you think that anyone that worked on this film has ever actually BEEN online? But maybe I'm wrong, maybe LaBeouf is just a really big Tim Meadows fan.
Even that Dog feels stupid. I can tell.
17. Whoa- that car just let out a huge plume of smoke. Doesn't the father think that 4000 bucks is a bit steep to teach his son a lesson about "his first car" if it's just gonna break down minutes after he takes it off the lot? Or do you think that it's just BumbleBee teaching the dad a lesson about caring for his lawn more than he cares for his own son? That Bumblebee, he's such a rascal.
18. Tyrese is a red beret? Wow. They are the toughest of the tough.
19. "What's you book about? Sucking at sports?"
Isn't that the kid from Elephant? Yikes. Wait- what? Why is he climbing that tree? What's going on here?
Man- watch out LaBeouf. That guy has a backwards baseball hat AND a sleeveless shirt. That means he's tough.
20. "I can't even tell you how much I'm not your little bunny."
You tell him honey!
Poor kid from Elephant- LaBeouf just ditched him. Here's another deleted scene, the scene where poor "Miles" has to walk for four and a half hours muttering "What a prick! He just totally ditched me! Why am I even friends with that A-hole?"
21. "I was wondering if I could ride you home-UHH- give you a ride home!!"
I hate when that happens. Oh wait- THAT NEVER HAPPENS!
LaBeouf's cheesy Porky Pig stuttering is embarrassing to us all. I hope he knows that.
22. What was the point of that whole "the car breaks down" scene. Were the screenwriters plotting this out and saying: "Then the car fakes like it's broken down- but it's not- so they get out of the car and look at the engine AND IT'S AWESOME! Then the girl says 'I'll fix your car' but then decides not to and walks away and then LaBeouf gets back in the car and it starts! Another clever song plays and she gets back in the car!"
Wow- when I say it like that it makes so much sense.
Why is BumbleBee so preoccupied with getting LaBeouf laid? Seriously, what's up with that? Doesn't he have like- some kinda mission or something?
23: "I think umm... there's a lot more than meets the eye... with you."
OH F*CK YOU! Is this suppose to make me happy? 'Cause it doesn't. At all.
24. Soundwave is lame- the joke about George Bush is lame- the fact that on AIR FORCE ONE a woman sees a random boom box in an elevator and isn't freaked out (because uh, IT COULD BE A FREAKING BOMB?!) is lame.
25: STEP ASIDE HOT AUSTRALIAN HACKER! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB!
26:Why does Jon Voight suddenly have a Southern accent? He didn't have that before!
27: Soundwave talks like a Jawa. I'm sure this won't be annoying in 5 seconds...
No wait... I was wrong.
28: It was a good thing that BumbleBee headed to that random construction site. It's also a good thing that he is so covert that he doesn't notice the owner he spent so much time trying to get a date for is following him and discovering his secret.
29: Where did the dogs go? They just disappeared.
30: NO HOT AUSTRALIAN HACKER! WE WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOUR LOGIC! GET OUT! WE WANT PROOF!
Seriously, there is no reason why she is not modeling. She's WAY too hot to be a hacker.
31: I think the stupid cop is Endless Mike from The Adventures of Pete & Pete. I'm really glad that Michael Bay included this scene. It really moved the story along.
32: "LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!"
Uh oh, glasses guy just bit it in the desert. I had the Scorpion transformer when I was a kid. He was huge. I wondered back then what exact machine the Scorpion either was or turned into. Aren't the Transformers supposed to be jets and cars and stuff?
Because let's face it- a robot in disguise as a giant Scorpion isn't much of a disguise at all, is it?
33: "There's only one hacker in the world who can break this code"
Uh oh. This does not bode well. Who is it gonna be folks? Who indeed?
34: Oh crap! It's Anthony Anderson. This movie just keeps getting worse and worse!
35: What happened to LaBeouf's bike? Did they just want him riding a girl's bike randomly? This doesn't make sense.
34:"ARE YOU USERNAME LADIESMAN217?!"
This wasn't supposed to make me laugh, was it?
35: Here's another deleted scene I want to see: The girl crying on the ground after LaBeouf practically clotheslines her off her Mo-Ped!
"THERE'S A MONSTER! HE JUST ATTACKED ME! C'MON!"
"Ahhh. I just need a minute. I think I shattered my pelvis when you through me off my MOVING MOTOR SCOOTER!"
"Oh. Okay. Sorry."
"IT'S NOT OKAY! IT REALLY HURTS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"I'm s-sorry."
"WELL SORRY'S NOT GONNA MAKE MY PELVIS NOT BE SHATTERED! AHHH!"
"Umm. We should probably run away now."
"Okay. Let's use my Mo-Ped to escape- oh no, we can't because when you dragged me off, it crashed and is broken now! I HATE YOU!"
36: What kind of metal are these Transformers made out of? As a person who has totaled two cars in my life, I know how easy it is to seriously jack a car up. These guys are doing flips and stuff. I ran into a light poll once and it demolished my car.
37: Wait- where did LaBeouf's pants go? What the hell is going on? Did Soundwave steal his pants? Why? I'm confused.
And how does Megan Fox know where they keep their metal saws at the 2nd random construction site to be featured in this movie. Doesn't this take place in LA? Why does it keep going in and out of suburbia and into downtown LA and then for some reason the City of Industry?
38: Man. LaBeouf kicked Soundwave's head REALLY far. And this kid couldn't play football? That was a heavy metal object that he just practically launched into orbit.
39: So they learned to talk from the radio? Uhhh- what channel was Optimus little rant about "The Cube" on?
40: So if Bumblebee can just swap bodies any time he wants - who the hell was driving the new car and where did he go once Bumblebee changed into his car? That doesn't make any sense.
Or- wait- do they mimic the cars they see? I don't get it.
This is bad storytelling Bay. Transformers shouldn't be this confusing.
I guess this is all too much for me because all I'm thinking is: I wonder what the kid from Elephant is doing right now. Hmmmm.
41: "This is easily a 1000 times cooler than Armageddon I swear!"
1. Uh, you are such a douche Michael Bay. Self referential stuff is below even you.
2. Almost ANYTHING is a 1000 times cooler than Armageddon.
..except Deep Impact.
42: Yeah kid- that giant robot is the f*cking tooth fairy. Good job.
It's a good thing that there were those giant trees for the giant robot to hide behind.
43: "But you can call us Auto-Bots for short."
So I guess it's just BumbleBee who is forced to use that lame 'radio' gimmick. 'Sucks for him.
Uhh. Jazz is SO LAME. I remember he was voiced by Scatman Crothers. He's gotta be rolling around in his grave right now.
44. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! EVERY AUTO-BOT IS LAME AS CRAP!!! IronHyde just said: "I just wanted to show him my cannons." and then Ratchet just basically said: "Oh, the boy is horny!" This is really really bad. Even for a movie with Anthony Anderson.
45: It's always useful to have that eye laser thing for simplification of stupid exposition. I wish every movie had that. The Godfather would be so much shorter.
46: Well Frosty Beard is back. Great.
47: Man Anthony Anderson is one fat f*ck. He just ate that whole plate of donuts.
48: "That's gonna rust"
Apparently auto-bots don't like to get pissed on. Why was that exchange so freaking long?
Honestly I am getting kinda pissed. Why doesn't LaBeouf just tell him about saving the world?! Who the f*ck cares if the parents see the giant robots that are trying to save the world?
Was the mom just talking about masturbation?!
CRAP!!!! THIS WHOLE THING IS TAKING TOO LONG!!! We've been at the house now looking for these glasses for like 30 minutes!!!!
Did the mom just make a dirty pun with the 'bush' line? Man this movie sucks.
49: What the hell is John Turturro doing in this film? Did he not get the memo that Anthony Anderson was in it?!
I do not get why Michael Bay was so insistent in putting this much humor in the movie- all of which is totally devoid of actual HUMOR.
50: "So what do you kids know about aliens, huh?"
I would love to get a count of movies where one character awkwardly fakes a laugh when intimidated and the intimidator laughs WAY too hard in response then suddenly stops. I guarantee you that almost every movie on that list would suck.
This film would be no different.
Seriously though, this is one of the weirdest performances that John Turturro has ever given. And this is Barton Fink we're talking about.
51: Is Shia really that pissed about the girl having a record? Why? Who cares? Didn't he just like her because he thought she was hot? Why get all moralistic all of the sudden.
52: Am I watching a transformer piss on John Turturro? Is that what I am seeing right now? Because if it is- I think I'm gonna be sick.
53: Man our government sucks. They just lost a GIANT ROBOT.
54: So they're capturing BumbleBee. I hope no one looks up and sees Optimus hiding under the bridge. It is kinda funny how they got away from the cops for like two seconds and then got busted again.
Optimus is now holding the glasses. They magically became HUGE. A minute ago he held two people in his hands, now he's holding a pair of tiny glasses so either his hand got small or the glasses grew to gigantic proportions.
55: "Auto-Bots... Roll out."
It sounded much cooler back in the 80s.
And as far as the deep message about freedom or whatever nonsense Optimus was talking about, that never sounded cool- even when I heard it ten seconds ago. Wait- ESPECIALLY when I heard it ten seconds ago.
56: So Megatron wanted to use Earth's technology to make a new army? But he landed on Earth in the 1930s. Umm, I hate to tell him but our technology wasn't all that great then. I would love to see an army made up of old Model Ts and Bi-Planes.
Soundwave would have to be one of those old record players with the big cones attached.
57: No one is watching the room where the switch to the turn Megatron on is?
58: I love how these army guys have no problem with treason, they just pulled guns on a federal agent like it's nothing.
59: This movie has some of the worst CG I've ever seen. I kinda wish that I could say that John Turturro just being in this movie is computer generated. Sadly, that is not the case.
60: When I first heard that Frank Welker wasn't going to do the voice of Megatron I was a little disappointed. Now I see that he was just the smarter man. Distancing himself from this movie might be the smartest move of his career.
61: I'm watching a transformer on what appears to be some kind of inline skates. How the mighty have fallen.
62: "SUCKER BURN!"
It's just sad seeing John Turturro trying to act like an action hero.
63: "Just listen to me- you're a soldier now!"
These big fights between the transformers don't feel epic at all. They should. Right? I think so.
How do Transformers feel pain? They're robots! It's like that Simpsons joke where the robot catches fire and screams:
"Why?! Why was I programed to feel pain?!"
64: There is something sort of jacked up about having plane Megatron crashing into a building. I know that 9/11 was 6 years ago but still- maybe it was something to be a little sensitive about.
65: "Is it fear or courage that compels you fleshling?"
Where did Megatron learn to talk? With lines like "I smell you boy!" you'd think it was from crappy movies about transforming robots like... well, like this one I guess.
66: "One shall stand. One shall fall."
Actually with each classic Transformer's quote, it hurts a little less.
67: I love how Optimus never considered the concept that if putting the cube in his chest would kill him it might kill Megatron too.
I guess it took those Shia brains to figure that one out. And he's a genius.
All the same, Megatron went down like B.
68: I know I'm supposed to be sad that Jazz died but seriously, he was SOOOOO lame. I'm glad he's dead. Good effing riddance to bad effish rubbish.
69: "You talk now?"
BUMBLEBEE: "I wish to stay here with the boy."
OPTIMUS: "If that is his choice."
SHIA: Uhh- I kinda don't just want half a car if that's cool. Sorry."
70: Uh- so the kids make out and the Transformers just watch? That's kinda creepy.
71: Wow. Linkin Park brings us to a close. How appropriate. One dated, out of touch turn deserves another I suppose.
So that's it. I finished the movie- in all of it's pathetic glory. I'm left with so many questions- like what happened to John Turturro? How many people died in this P.G. 13 movie? What happened to the kid from Elephant? Do you think he lived to climb another tree? What about that fat guy who was running around talking about old Michael Bay movies? Is the hot Australian hacker okay? Will she ever find the power to over-come her insecurities and leave the comfort of her computer to be united with her one true love, Justin Long from Die Hard 4?
This movie is like an enigma wrapped in a riddle.
...No wait, on second thought, it's just a steaming pile of sh*t.
Sleep Well.
-Joseph.
I had a few reasons for this. For one I pretty much know it will suck. There is very little to debate with this. The other big reason is the fact that I do love Transformers. I was a fan of the show as a kid and still to this day love the original animated movie. I, like many people my age have quite a few fond memories of the mighty Autobots and the villainous Disepticons and I knew from the very first trailer that Michael Bay didn't give two craps about the show or its lineage. Whereas I and countless others would love to see a TRANSFORMERS movie, Michael Bay just wanted to make a GIANT ROBOTS ATTACKING EARTH movie (hence his lame t-shirt). But in my eyes, the two are not one in the same.
I stand by this sentiment as I hesitantly begin to watch the film.
Last night I torrented it (I couldn't bare the thought of actually paying to see celluloid disappointment).
I'm going to watch it now and keep this as a running commentary of my thoughts as i do so.
If the lameness of this film kills me- you will know what did it. You will know it was the sheer hackery of "Mr. Bay and His Ridiculous Robots" (as I will now refer to the film.)
Okay. here goes.
0. Not a good start. It's kinda hard to seem bad ass when the big Hasbro words come on screen- grungy metal font notwithstanding.
1. "Before time began there was the cube."
Is it lame that I am already annoyed at the film's lack of proper continuity? Maybe it's just the fact that it is actually Peter Cullen that is reading this little monologue- regardless, I'm annoyed. Yes I will give you that the complicated history of the show/comics is a little steep but seriously, taking the concept of energon cubes in this direction seems kinda stupid. What was wrong with "The Matrix" (not the movie)? I wish it would once again "Light Our Darkest Hour."
2. "ENGLISH MAN! SPEAK ENGLISH!"
Does anyone else find it strange that the random Spanish speaking guy was talking about eating alligators? Was he orginially supposed to be from the Bayou and in a hasty re-write they grazed over the fact that alligators are actually NOT a part of a balanced Mexican diet?
I also find it laughable how obvious the make-up is on these "war worn soldiers" - who apparently were smearing oil all over themselves in the hot Iraqi desert. Oil fights. The true horrors of war.
3. What is it with every Michael Bay movie and this music. Has anyone else noticed that the man has used the same score for his last 10 movies? I miss "You got the touch."
4. "You sure she didn't just fart?"
Classy. You know, as good of an actor as Josh Duhame is (ummm) even HE can't wipe the vague look of embarrassment off of his face as gives this line read.
5. "Have your crew step out or we will kill you."
Apparently as super advanced as the Disepticons are, they haven't mastered that pesky "fake pilot" glitch that is always such a dead giveaway.
I know I shouldn't be distracted by this but- I just wonder where they got the models to make the holograms for this cause this guy looks like that Dad on the show about the family with the father in the military? What that show called? I forget so I'll just call it "Captain Dad" ...yeah that sounds about right.
6. My first look at a Disepticon.
...disappointing
I sure hope all the other Transformers don't look so much like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.
You know when I was a kid I don't remember them looking so bug like... even the Insecticons- who were SUPPOSED to be bugs. This will make them have so little personality. I am pretty sure their faces all look this jumbled and crowded (two adjectives I didn't think I'd use when describing something based on an old 80s cartoon.)
7. "Okay, Mr. Witwicky- you're up."
And here we have our hero. Shia LaBeouf. Great. Why does he already seem like a bumbling character from a 1950s movie starring Jerry Lewis?
If it was that movie the teacher would fit right in. Gimmie a break. Did this nerd EVER exist? Sweater vest, 50s glasses, bow tie, balding AND nasally voice? "People! Responsibility." All he is missing is the white tape on the bridge of his eye wear.
The fact that Michael Bay can make a film have this much forced exposition so quickly is truly heroic.
What high school still has show and tell? Does no one find this strange?
I know that I shouldn't love the stock "evil blond football boyfriend" but I do. They are like a fine wine- which is ironic because I don't drink. NEVERTHELESS- They are a staple of any lame movie involving teens. They are the most unrealistic characters that are so overwritten and overacted. It's just funny to me how far bad movies will go to make you hate someone so quickly. Everyone of them is always so two dimensional that you worry that if they turned to a profile the cardboard cutout would blow over. They are always SO beefy and SO dumb and SO prejudice against our scrappy hero.
I'm not saying there are not bullies in real life, but are they ever so easily definable? It takes a person ONE line nowadays to make one into Johnny from Karate Kid. If I can do anything with my films, I hope to make the bullies seem even just slightly more human.
Anyway...
Why would Shia LaBeouf's character be talking about this stuff? His Grandfather? The Arctic Circle? I'm confused- lost in a haze of information that Michael Bay has told us we need to remember for the sake of the plot.
Did we really just have a random flashback to Shia's grandfather in the Arctic? Does Michael Bay have any clue what he's doing because already it feels like he's just making it up as he goes along. "AND THEN WE CUT TO A FLASHBACK OF AN OLD GUY WITH A FROSTY BEARD AND HE'S YELLING STUFF!"
8. "He wound up going blind and crazy in a psycho ward, drawing these symbols and babbling on about some uhh giant Ice Man that he thought he discovered."
Subtle LaBeouf Real subtle.
Gee- I wonder why he would divulge such personal family information to a class of kids who all think he's a joke? Do you think it will come up later? The musical sting sure makes me think so.
9. I'm so glad that they made a reference to "The 40 Year Old Virgin" - way to seem relevant to the kids Bay.
10. Did Bernie Mac just call that old woman a bitch? 'Seems a bit harsh. I'll go easy on him though as it appears that he is some type of war veteran (hence the shiny dog tags).
11. Okay okay okay, I really don't want to nit-pic too much but I'm confused as to how Bernie Mac could actually sell a car that just magically drove onto his lot. He didn't have the title for the car or any kind of proof that he ever owned the car in order to sell it. How did Shia LaBeouf take it off the lot?
12. Did Bumble Bee transform into his robot form, go into a highway gas station and buy the "Bee-Otch" air freshener or is that part of him that transforms too?
13. I find it amusing that even just the shot of Bernie Mac getting up was a good enough excuse for Michael Bay to use his heroic "rising and circling" shot. Way to waste your signature shot on one of "the original kings of comedy" Bay.
I wonder if the shrill noise that shattered all those windows also shattered Bernie Mac's ear drums? Am I mean because I wish that it had? How great would that be if there was a 10 minute deleted scene in which Bernie Mac's ears bleed and he flips out because his life is just not the way that he wanted it to be- "And now THIS happens! AGGGHHHH!!!!"
14. "NSA's recruiting right out of high school these days."
I love how much Hollywood has fallen in love with the idea of hip nerds and high school hackers. How many movies are gonna use this plot device? Can we please see an action film involving the government and computers that doesn't have one of these? Remember when Ryan Phillippe played one in that movie AntiTrust? Tim Robbins was in that. Excuse me, ACADEMY AWARD WINNER Tim Robbins.
I also love how no one else seems to notice how out of place the hot blond Australian hacker is. I'd like to spend a moment imagining her spending hours in her room, isolated from the world, becoming a world class hacker while all the other, more pretty blond Australian girls went to parties and got boyfriends.
Okay I'll say it: Jon Voight needs to be put to sleep. He's been crying for help since Anaconda.
15. Great. A peek inside Shia LaBeouf's room. This is always a treat. Let's pause it (17:28) . I love to look at the teenage hero's room because it tells us so much. Not only about the hero but also the filmmaker's lack of connection to a realistic kid's room. There are always randomly incongruent band posters- "Oh, he's the kid who likes both Nine Inch Nails AND Snoop Dogg?" and as I'm sure we'll see, an endless amount of expensive accouterments. Do you remember LaBeouf's room in Disterbia? It was about ten grand short of being Ritchie Rich's room. There were so many expensive and contemporary toys just lying around, placed ever so carefully as to look tossed about and disheveled. My gut tells me that this room will be no different.
Hmmm. There seems to be industrial shelves as though he lived in a "cool warehouse" of some kind. The ever present random computer stuff. He's got a giant fish bowl for some reason. I see what looks to be a foosball table. Wow- here's something I haven't seen since the last movie starring anyone under 25, on his wall is a DANGER: KEEP OUT sign. This has been a tradition since the Nickelodeon days. Somehow every set designer got the idea that kids all have stupid signs like this in there room.
16. You know, as lame as LaBeouf is in this film, I still don't buy that he's lame enough to have "LadiesMan217" be his screen name. Do you think that anyone that worked on this film has ever actually BEEN online? But maybe I'm wrong, maybe LaBeouf is just a really big Tim Meadows fan.
Even that Dog feels stupid. I can tell.
17. Whoa- that car just let out a huge plume of smoke. Doesn't the father think that 4000 bucks is a bit steep to teach his son a lesson about "his first car" if it's just gonna break down minutes after he takes it off the lot? Or do you think that it's just BumbleBee teaching the dad a lesson about caring for his lawn more than he cares for his own son? That Bumblebee, he's such a rascal.
18. Tyrese is a red beret? Wow. They are the toughest of the tough.
19. "What's you book about? Sucking at sports?"
Isn't that the kid from Elephant? Yikes. Wait- what? Why is he climbing that tree? What's going on here?
Man- watch out LaBeouf. That guy has a backwards baseball hat AND a sleeveless shirt. That means he's tough.
20. "I can't even tell you how much I'm not your little bunny."
You tell him honey!
Poor kid from Elephant- LaBeouf just ditched him. Here's another deleted scene, the scene where poor "Miles" has to walk for four and a half hours muttering "What a prick! He just totally ditched me! Why am I even friends with that A-hole?"
21. "I was wondering if I could ride you home-UHH- give you a ride home!!"
I hate when that happens. Oh wait- THAT NEVER HAPPENS!
LaBeouf's cheesy Porky Pig stuttering is embarrassing to us all. I hope he knows that.
22. What was the point of that whole "the car breaks down" scene. Were the screenwriters plotting this out and saying: "Then the car fakes like it's broken down- but it's not- so they get out of the car and look at the engine AND IT'S AWESOME! Then the girl says 'I'll fix your car' but then decides not to and walks away and then LaBeouf gets back in the car and it starts! Another clever song plays and she gets back in the car!"
Wow- when I say it like that it makes so much sense.
Why is BumbleBee so preoccupied with getting LaBeouf laid? Seriously, what's up with that? Doesn't he have like- some kinda mission or something?
23: "I think umm... there's a lot more than meets the eye... with you."
OH F*CK YOU! Is this suppose to make me happy? 'Cause it doesn't. At all.
24. Soundwave is lame- the joke about George Bush is lame- the fact that on AIR FORCE ONE a woman sees a random boom box in an elevator and isn't freaked out (because uh, IT COULD BE A FREAKING BOMB?!) is lame.
25: STEP ASIDE HOT AUSTRALIAN HACKER! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB!
26:Why does Jon Voight suddenly have a Southern accent? He didn't have that before!
27: Soundwave talks like a Jawa. I'm sure this won't be annoying in 5 seconds...
No wait... I was wrong.
28: It was a good thing that BumbleBee headed to that random construction site. It's also a good thing that he is so covert that he doesn't notice the owner he spent so much time trying to get a date for is following him and discovering his secret.
29: Where did the dogs go? They just disappeared.
30: NO HOT AUSTRALIAN HACKER! WE WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOUR LOGIC! GET OUT! WE WANT PROOF!
Seriously, there is no reason why she is not modeling. She's WAY too hot to be a hacker.
31: I think the stupid cop is Endless Mike from The Adventures of Pete & Pete. I'm really glad that Michael Bay included this scene. It really moved the story along.
32: "LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!"
Uh oh, glasses guy just bit it in the desert. I had the Scorpion transformer when I was a kid. He was huge. I wondered back then what exact machine the Scorpion either was or turned into. Aren't the Transformers supposed to be jets and cars and stuff?
Because let's face it- a robot in disguise as a giant Scorpion isn't much of a disguise at all, is it?
33: "There's only one hacker in the world who can break this code"
Uh oh. This does not bode well. Who is it gonna be folks? Who indeed?
34: Oh crap! It's Anthony Anderson. This movie just keeps getting worse and worse!
35: What happened to LaBeouf's bike? Did they just want him riding a girl's bike randomly? This doesn't make sense.
34:"ARE YOU USERNAME LADIESMAN217?!"
This wasn't supposed to make me laugh, was it?
35: Here's another deleted scene I want to see: The girl crying on the ground after LaBeouf practically clotheslines her off her Mo-Ped!
"THERE'S A MONSTER! HE JUST ATTACKED ME! C'MON!"
"Ahhh. I just need a minute. I think I shattered my pelvis when you through me off my MOVING MOTOR SCOOTER!"
"Oh. Okay. Sorry."
"IT'S NOT OKAY! IT REALLY HURTS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"I'm s-sorry."
"WELL SORRY'S NOT GONNA MAKE MY PELVIS NOT BE SHATTERED! AHHH!"
"Umm. We should probably run away now."
"Okay. Let's use my Mo-Ped to escape- oh no, we can't because when you dragged me off, it crashed and is broken now! I HATE YOU!"
36: What kind of metal are these Transformers made out of? As a person who has totaled two cars in my life, I know how easy it is to seriously jack a car up. These guys are doing flips and stuff. I ran into a light poll once and it demolished my car.
37: Wait- where did LaBeouf's pants go? What the hell is going on? Did Soundwave steal his pants? Why? I'm confused.
And how does Megan Fox know where they keep their metal saws at the 2nd random construction site to be featured in this movie. Doesn't this take place in LA? Why does it keep going in and out of suburbia and into downtown LA and then for some reason the City of Industry?
38: Man. LaBeouf kicked Soundwave's head REALLY far. And this kid couldn't play football? That was a heavy metal object that he just practically launched into orbit.
39: So they learned to talk from the radio? Uhhh- what channel was Optimus little rant about "The Cube" on?
40: So if Bumblebee can just swap bodies any time he wants - who the hell was driving the new car and where did he go once Bumblebee changed into his car? That doesn't make any sense.
Or- wait- do they mimic the cars they see? I don't get it.
This is bad storytelling Bay. Transformers shouldn't be this confusing.
I guess this is all too much for me because all I'm thinking is: I wonder what the kid from Elephant is doing right now. Hmmmm.
41: "This is easily a 1000 times cooler than Armageddon I swear!"
1. Uh, you are such a douche Michael Bay. Self referential stuff is below even you.
2. Almost ANYTHING is a 1000 times cooler than Armageddon.
..except Deep Impact.
42: Yeah kid- that giant robot is the f*cking tooth fairy. Good job.
It's a good thing that there were those giant trees for the giant robot to hide behind.
43: "But you can call us Auto-Bots for short."
So I guess it's just BumbleBee who is forced to use that lame 'radio' gimmick. 'Sucks for him.
Uhh. Jazz is SO LAME. I remember he was voiced by Scatman Crothers. He's gotta be rolling around in his grave right now.
44. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! EVERY AUTO-BOT IS LAME AS CRAP!!! IronHyde just said: "I just wanted to show him my cannons." and then Ratchet just basically said: "Oh, the boy is horny!" This is really really bad. Even for a movie with Anthony Anderson.
45: It's always useful to have that eye laser thing for simplification of stupid exposition. I wish every movie had that. The Godfather would be so much shorter.
46: Well Frosty Beard is back. Great.
47: Man Anthony Anderson is one fat f*ck. He just ate that whole plate of donuts.
48: "That's gonna rust"
Apparently auto-bots don't like to get pissed on. Why was that exchange so freaking long?
Honestly I am getting kinda pissed. Why doesn't LaBeouf just tell him about saving the world?! Who the f*ck cares if the parents see the giant robots that are trying to save the world?
Was the mom just talking about masturbation?!
CRAP!!!! THIS WHOLE THING IS TAKING TOO LONG!!! We've been at the house now looking for these glasses for like 30 minutes!!!!
Did the mom just make a dirty pun with the 'bush' line? Man this movie sucks.
49: What the hell is John Turturro doing in this film? Did he not get the memo that Anthony Anderson was in it?!
I do not get why Michael Bay was so insistent in putting this much humor in the movie- all of which is totally devoid of actual HUMOR.
50: "So what do you kids know about aliens, huh?"
I would love to get a count of movies where one character awkwardly fakes a laugh when intimidated and the intimidator laughs WAY too hard in response then suddenly stops. I guarantee you that almost every movie on that list would suck.
This film would be no different.
Seriously though, this is one of the weirdest performances that John Turturro has ever given. And this is Barton Fink we're talking about.
51: Is Shia really that pissed about the girl having a record? Why? Who cares? Didn't he just like her because he thought she was hot? Why get all moralistic all of the sudden.
52: Am I watching a transformer piss on John Turturro? Is that what I am seeing right now? Because if it is- I think I'm gonna be sick.
53: Man our government sucks. They just lost a GIANT ROBOT.
54: So they're capturing BumbleBee. I hope no one looks up and sees Optimus hiding under the bridge. It is kinda funny how they got away from the cops for like two seconds and then got busted again.
Optimus is now holding the glasses. They magically became HUGE. A minute ago he held two people in his hands, now he's holding a pair of tiny glasses so either his hand got small or the glasses grew to gigantic proportions.
55: "Auto-Bots... Roll out."
It sounded much cooler back in the 80s.
And as far as the deep message about freedom or whatever nonsense Optimus was talking about, that never sounded cool- even when I heard it ten seconds ago. Wait- ESPECIALLY when I heard it ten seconds ago.
56: So Megatron wanted to use Earth's technology to make a new army? But he landed on Earth in the 1930s. Umm, I hate to tell him but our technology wasn't all that great then. I would love to see an army made up of old Model Ts and Bi-Planes.
Soundwave would have to be one of those old record players with the big cones attached.
57: No one is watching the room where the switch to the turn Megatron on is?
58: I love how these army guys have no problem with treason, they just pulled guns on a federal agent like it's nothing.
59: This movie has some of the worst CG I've ever seen. I kinda wish that I could say that John Turturro just being in this movie is computer generated. Sadly, that is not the case.
60: When I first heard that Frank Welker wasn't going to do the voice of Megatron I was a little disappointed. Now I see that he was just the smarter man. Distancing himself from this movie might be the smartest move of his career.
61: I'm watching a transformer on what appears to be some kind of inline skates. How the mighty have fallen.
62: "SUCKER BURN!"
It's just sad seeing John Turturro trying to act like an action hero.
63: "Just listen to me- you're a soldier now!"
These big fights between the transformers don't feel epic at all. They should. Right? I think so.
How do Transformers feel pain? They're robots! It's like that Simpsons joke where the robot catches fire and screams:
"Why?! Why was I programed to feel pain?!"
64: There is something sort of jacked up about having plane Megatron crashing into a building. I know that 9/11 was 6 years ago but still- maybe it was something to be a little sensitive about.
65: "Is it fear or courage that compels you fleshling?"
Where did Megatron learn to talk? With lines like "I smell you boy!" you'd think it was from crappy movies about transforming robots like... well, like this one I guess.
66: "One shall stand. One shall fall."
Actually with each classic Transformer's quote, it hurts a little less.
67: I love how Optimus never considered the concept that if putting the cube in his chest would kill him it might kill Megatron too.
I guess it took those Shia brains to figure that one out. And he's a genius.
All the same, Megatron went down like B.
68: I know I'm supposed to be sad that Jazz died but seriously, he was SOOOOO lame. I'm glad he's dead. Good effing riddance to bad effish rubbish.
69: "You talk now?"
BUMBLEBEE: "I wish to stay here with the boy."
OPTIMUS: "If that is his choice."
SHIA: Uhh- I kinda don't just want half a car if that's cool. Sorry."
70: Uh- so the kids make out and the Transformers just watch? That's kinda creepy.
71: Wow. Linkin Park brings us to a close. How appropriate. One dated, out of touch turn deserves another I suppose.
So that's it. I finished the movie- in all of it's pathetic glory. I'm left with so many questions- like what happened to John Turturro? How many people died in this P.G. 13 movie? What happened to the kid from Elephant? Do you think he lived to climb another tree? What about that fat guy who was running around talking about old Michael Bay movies? Is the hot Australian hacker okay? Will she ever find the power to over-come her insecurities and leave the comfort of her computer to be united with her one true love, Justin Long from Die Hard 4?
This movie is like an enigma wrapped in a riddle.
...No wait, on second thought, it's just a steaming pile of sh*t.
Sleep Well.
-Joseph.
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